Allen: Good afternoon~! I’m Allen Walker, the host of of SS&N, the hiatus filler cooking show that everyone has been talking about! (……this is the first episode) I’m otherwise known as Sugar. I’m here today with Lavi and Kanda, respectively Spice and Everything Nice!
Lavi: So you have to be Nice to everyone today~! ;P Okay?
Kanda: I have no obligation to tolerate you guys’ ridiculous antics any day of the goddamn week—or to take up a ridiculous name—
Allen: So today, we’ll be making seafood pasta!
Kanda: I’m leaving.
[ Lavi locks the door and puts the key down Allen’s pants. ]
Kanda: ….!!!! Grrrr….
Lavi: Ehe. B)
Allen: So let’s get started! For this recipe, let’s see.. We’ll need.. 500g of spaghetti… …how much is 500g?
Lavi: Um. About… this much, I think?
[ Lavi makes a vague gesture with his hands. ]
Kanda: You ate all the Order’s spaghetti supply yesterday, moron.
Allen: Ah! I did?! My bad. In that case, we’ll use Kanda’s portion of soba.
Kanda: !!! Like fuck you will!!
Allen: Oh, Kanda. Don’t be stingy. And since we have 3 people, we’ll have to quintuple the recipe.
Lavi: You are so good at math. :o
Allen: I know, right? :)
Kanda: You’re just a goddamn glutton!
Allen: So the water is already heated and almost at a boil. Let’s see… Do we have the rest of the ingredients? Check… check… Wait, no. Let’s not with the wine…
Lavi: Your trauma is really serious, Allen… > _>)”
Allen: It’s Sugar.
Lavi: Right, right, my bad… So let’s put in the noodles!
[ He stuffs the pot with about 4 bunches of dried soba. ]
Lavi: If I recall correctly, al dente is 7 minutes!
Allen: I see! You’re so knowledgeable, Spice!
Kanda: What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! Soba takes 4 minutes, you morons!
Lavi: Ah, is that so?
Kanda: What do you mean, “is that so”?!
Allen: Please read the next step, Everything Nice.
[ Allen coughs. ]
Lavi: He means you, Yuu-chan.
[ Kanda tosses the kitchen knife in Lavi’s general direction, which barely misses his left eye. ]
Kanda: That’s not me!
Allen: For today, it is. Nice, will you please read the next step?
Allen: I guess we’ll be waiting 7 minutes for the soba after all.
Kanda: Don’t disrespect the soba!
Allen: Hey, we’re waiting on you, you bloody git. Aren’t you the one making the soba wait? And you’re wasting film. I don’t appreciate it when people waste my money.
Lavi: Actually, we’re filming this digitally, so, uh.. we’re not actually… And you didn’t actually pay for anything, so…
Kanda: Urgh… It says to put the mussels in a little water over low heat…. And cook just until their shells open…
Lavi: Right, so low heat, low heat…
[ He heats the saucepan and adjusts the flame to medium. ]
[ Kanda drains the soba and douses it in cold water almost systematically, without having the test its firmness. ]
Allen: Well, the mussles have already been cleaned.
Lavi: I got your muscles right here!
[ He waggles his brow as he flexes his arm over the pot. ]
Allen: …Lavi, no.
[ Kanda chucks a mussel at Lavi’s head. ]
Allen: You had that one coming. Let’s just put them in…
[ Allen tosses in the mussles and chants. ]
Allen: Sugar-Honey~ Honey-Sweet! Please make this stuff good to eat! [ He says this monotonously, while waving a fork vaguely over the pot. ]
Kanda: What the fuck was that?
Allen: A magic spell. I am the chosen one.
Lavi: Next, we heat the oil in a large pan and add the garlic and chilli.
Allen: Boop! Heated.
[ Lavi was about to ask Kanda to chop the garlic. ]
Allen: Ah! Spice, wait!
[ He hands Lavi an onion to pass to Kanda instead with a serious expression. ]
Lavi: Pfff—!! (Ahem) Here you go, Yu—
[ Kanda glares. ]
Lavi: Uh… I mean.. Nice-san? Please chop this onion for us. We’d… appreciate it?
Kanda: Huh? This? Hmm, I’ll chop this and make a demonstration of what I’ll later do to you guys’ spleens.
[ Kanda chops it while the camera shakes. Chopping intensifies. ]
[ His eyes start watering halfway through, and he rubs at them. He doesn’t know why. ]
Allen: You’re going to cry at our spleens? That doesn’t seem very effectual.
[ Allen and Lavi are snickering in the background while Lavi slices the chili and Allen heats the oil in the pan. ]
Kanda: SHUT UP!
Allen: Go back to seasoning the onions with your manly tears.
[ Allen tosses the onion and chili in the pan, and browns them. ]
Lavi: Hm? That smells weird.
Allen: Yeah. I wonder what we did wrong.
Lavi: We followed the instructions exactly. I’m sure it tastes fine.
Allen: Ahh! We forgot about the mussels!
[ They look at the small saucepan. The mussels are wide open, and are wrinkly and puffy, like old men who’ve stayed too long in the sauna. ]
Lavi: Oh well!
[ He tosses the mussels into the pan anyway. ]
[ Allen approaches the soba. ]
Kanda: Oh, hell no.
Allen: I’ll fight you for it.
Kanda: Over my dead body. You’re not putting my masterpiece in with that abomination.
[ Allen sticks the other half of the onion and presses it to Kanda’s cheek. ]
Kanda: What the fuck—!!
Lavi: …We can edit that out in post, right?
Allen: Sure, whatever that means.
[ Allen snatches the soba and tosses what he can fit into the pan. ]
Kanda: Oh yeah? Well fuck you, then…
[ Kanda pours white wine all over the pan, and it steams. ]
[ Kanda smirks. And dies inside a little. He apologizes to the soba god inside his head. ]
Lavi: Well… um… We don’t have any parsley, but I guess at this point…
[ Kanda and Allen are toussling in the background. ]
Lavi: Um… Doesn’t really matter, I guess… Aha… ha… . _.
[ He awkwardly tears pieces of kale and tosses it into the pan. He then spoons the soggy soba onto plates. ]
Lavi: Um… Meal is served?
Kanda: No! I’m not eating that! I’m leaving—fuck, the door…
[ Kanda starts kicking at the door. It doesn’t work. It’s been reinforced. Why? Because the narrator is a sadist. ]
[ Lavi tries twirling the soba onto a fork, but the soba is so soggy it falls off. ]
Allen: No… Noooo… The smell! The horrible memories!
[ He starts clawing at his face. ]
Kanda: Give me the fucking key!
Allen: I don’t have it!
[ He tackles Allen and starts reaching for the key down his pants. ]
Lavi: UHHHH. WOW, YOU SURE ARE ENTHUSIASTIC, YUU-CHAN! No, don’t mind me! Why would you, even though I’M RIGHT HERE, GUYS?
Allen: WHERE IN THE BLOODY MORDOR YOU THINK YOU’RE TOUCHING—Ah!!
Kanda: Fuck, it must be in the other leg…
[ He looks away, and stabs some mussel meat and puts it in his mouth. It’s overcooked and tastes like hobos. He cries a bit. ]
Lavi: So… This has been Sugar and Spice and Everything… Nice… Yeaaah. Thanks… for watching!
Kanda: Ah. I found it.
Allen: THAT’S MY DICK, YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER ARSE
Lavi: I don’t want to live on this planet anymore…
[ The smoke alarm goes off, since Lavi forgot to turn off the stove. The rest of the “pasta” has burnt to hell and back. ]
[ Kanda and Allen are still screaming at each other. ]
[ Lavi opens a window, goes and grabs the fire extinguisher, and blows it all over the stove, and then sprays both Allen and Kanda until they stop shouting. ]
[ Dead cold silence, and the clattering of a key. ]